


Green Card

by theremin



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Fake Marriage, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2020-12-28 15:15:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21138779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theremin/pseuds/theremin
Summary: Richard is willing to do a lot to get the things he wants - including marrying a total stranger. Based on the old Peter Weir romcom.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [【授翻】Green Card | 绿卡](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21628975) by [sukinano](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sukinano/pseuds/sukinano)

Richard let his eyes drift from the map on his phone to the sign on the coffee shop in front of him, which read CAFE DE PARIS in old timey art nouveau letters. He took a nervous breath and ran a hand through his hair, noticed he was sweating, and mopped his face with the sleeve of his too-large black blazer, leaving the fabric moist and crumpled. His face made a painful sort of frown and he sighed. What a disaster area he was. He took a deep breath and walked inside, tried to look relaxed and in control, ie the opposite of how he felt. He spotted Erlich, sitting alone, and went over to join him.

"Hello, young Richard!" Erlich greeted him. He was covered in croissant crumbs, an empty plate and cappuccino cup in front of him.

"Hey uh Erlich, did you wait for a long time?"

"No?" Erlich said. 

"Um, okay."

"You look, might I say, ravishing. You've really made an effort, haven't you." There seemed to be an insult buried in there somewhere. 

"Uhh well I just, uh. You know. Suit."

"But of course. It's not every day you get married." Erlich smiled conspiratorially, then pulled a little ring box out of his pocket. "On the house." The rings were plain and golden, cushioned on black velvet. 

"Um, is that real gold?"

"They're real rings," Erlich said. "what the fuck do you care?"

"Um, no, uh, I guess. So ahh, where, is she on her way?"

"A slight delay due to traffic," Erlich said. Richard nodded, unsure of what else to say, so he tried smiling instead. By the look of his old landlord's face, it wasn't a very winning attempt. 

"Well, hello," someone said, and Richard looked up at the tallest, palest dude he'd seen in his life, towering over them in a weirdly mousy, apologetic kind of way. Was he a waiter? What kind of pretentious coffee shops employed waiters.

"Ah, Jared. Sit down." Erlich made a hand movement towards Richard and Richard stared, then moved, and Jared sat down next to him, stuck out a hand. 

"Hi, I'm Jared," he said.

"Uh, Richard," Richard mumbled, weakly accepting the handshake and trying to push away the foreboding feeling. 

"Jared here is, your betrothed," Erlich explained. Richard stared again. He knew it made his eyes bug out but he couldn't help it.

"Um, what."

"I know you had your heart set on a lady, but well, within the miniscule time frame you gave me there really wasn't a lot to work with."

Jared frowned. "He didn't know?"

"What does it matter?" Erlich said, a little aggravated. "You don't have to see each other again after today. Until the divorce, of course."

"I uhh uh um I, Erlich, can uhh,"

"Richard! Don't tell me you're a phobe," Erlich said, leaning in in an attempt at looking menacing. "you need a marriage certificate by next week, so does Jared, I'm a businessman, not a miracle worker. If you walk out that door right now you're not getting a refund. Neither of you."

Richard covered his face with both hands and sighed deeply. How could he have been so stupid as to trust Erlich with this? How could he have agreed to it in the first place? Well, he supposed, it was because he didn't have a lot of other options. He peeled his hands off his face and set his jaw. "Alright. Fuck it."

"Oh, I'm so happy to hear that, Richard," Jared said gently.

"Rock and roll," Erlich said. "let's go to city hall."

City hall was only a few minutes away on foot. The ceremony was brief and to the point and they were one of about a dozen other couples. Erlich was their witness and signed for them and handed them the rings, looking at one to the other clearly trying to decide who'd be "the guy" before shrugging and giving them to Jared, which Richard felt obliquely offended by. Richard promised to love, honour and cherish a total stranger, who leant down and awkwardly, chastely kissed the corner of his mouth, and then it was over and the three of them were out on the stairs. It was a warm sunny day and Richard couldn't wait to get out of that gross, stiff blazer. 

"Hey Richard, I'm going to the Boom Boom Room to celebrate your union. Wanna come?" Erlich asked.

"Uhh, no, no thank you," Richard said. 

"Suit yourself," Erlich shrugged and strode off into a waiting Lyft. That must have been what he was doing fiddling with his phone during the end of the ceremony.

"You were um, very good in there," Jared said. "very convincing!"

"Oh uh, er, thanks, you too." Richard smiled awkwardly.

"Well, guess this is goodbye," Jared said, carefully holding his copy of the marriage certificate.

"Um, yeah," Richard said.

Jared leaned in a little. "We'll always have Paris," he said.

"Uh? What? Um, oh, the coffee shop. Ha ha. Yeah. Funny."

Jared smiled and left, leaving Richard on his own. Richard grinned to himself, looking at his own copy of the marriage certificate. He looked at his hand and noticed the ring already starting to leave a green residue on his finger.

* * *

"So, mister Hendricks, I suppose congratulations are in order."

"Thank you! Thank you so much. Gosh, yeah, I'm just so happy," Richard said, looking at the apartment building's board representatives. All three of them looked to be in their seventies and were sat opposite Richard behind a large table.

"Very convenient you got married now your apartment is going on the market, and we specifically asked for a married couple," mrs Bernstein, the trio's sole woman, remarked.

"Now, now, Agnes," mr Stewart, the bearded man to her left said. 

"Honestly," Richard said, "it was kind of a factor. Me and Donald," Richard had been surprised to see that goofy name on the certificate, no wonder he went by Jared, "have been together for four years and uh, he asked me before. But I guess I wasn't ready. But I was talking about this and he asked me again, and you know what, I really think it's time I settle down. I'd love to adopt children some day and now I have the right man, the right uh apartment..."

"Oh, children," mr Stewart said, approvingly. "that's really what we're looking for, mr Hendricks. Young families. New generations."

Richard nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, we love children. We'd probably have a bunch already if uh that was uh physically possible. Uh."

"Funny we haven't seen this boyfriend around much," mrs Bernstein said. "if you've been together so long."

Richard was about to make something up when mr Oakes piped up. "I think I've seen him. Dark haired fellow?"

Richard nodded vigourously. Oakes lived on his floor, and was probably referring to Big Head, one of Richard's few and certainly most frequent visitors. Maybe getting married to a dude wasn't such a bad cover story after all - he really hadn't had a lot of female visitors over the nearly seven years he'd rented the apartment. 

It really pissed Richard off when he thought about it. He didn't really have people over. He was quiet, considerate. He didn't fucking... shit on the floor and attract rats. He hadn't been late on his rent once. He'd scrimped and saved to be able to buy the apartment when it came on the market, which he'd been assured it would when he signed his lease. And then when it did, the board decided it wanted a married couple? The Johnsons and their brat who'd lived in the building for all of one and a half years received a fucking formal invitation to buy their apartment and Richard got a letter saying he wasn't a candidate to buy? The absolute gall, the insane unfairness of it all. He'd ranted about it to Big Head in the hacker hostel. He'd briefly been a tenant there himself, right after he moved to the Valley, and still felt pretty comfortable going over to hang out. When he'd started to leave that night Erlich had pulled him aside.

"Why don't you just get married, if that place is so important to you?"

"Who to?" Richard had said bitterly. "I don't think I can tell a priest my girlfriend can't come to the ceremony because she lives in Canada."

"Richard. There are plenty of illegals in this country. Illegal in the eyes of an unjust law. Young ladies, born in this country, brought here as children, paperless. If you married one of them, they'd get a chance at stability, at the American Dream, and you'd get that apartment of yours."

"Uh, that sounds pretty... illegal."

"It sounds to me like a win win situation," Erlich had said. "I could set it all up, and I'd only want a very small finders fee of 5000 dollars."

Richard had laughed and told him no thanks, but he hadn't been able to put it out of his mind. A couple of days later he'd called Erlich up and asked him if he could have it arranged by the end of the week. And now, here he was, marriage certificate in hand, facing the final obstacle of getting past these three geriatric dragons. 

"Yeah," Richard said, still nodding, smiling at the board. "that's my baby. M'hubby. Gosh darn, I love that man."

"Why isn't he here?" mrs Bernstein asked. "I presume he'll be living with you?"

"Yes, of course," Richard said. "but uhh, he travels a lot, for work. Right now he's in, he's in uh, Paris."

"Oh, Paris," mrs Bernstein said, a note of approval finally coming into her voice. "have you been, mister Hendricks?"

"Oh yes," Richard lied. "in fact, that's where I first met Donald."

"How romantic!"

"It really was. Oh you know. Walking down the... the Champes Elysee... by... the Moulin Rouge. Ummm in fact, Donald promised me we'd go back when we have time to go on honeymoon."

Mrs Bernstein smiled a delighted smile, clasped her hands together.

Mr Oakes nodded. "I think we've heard enough," he said. "the board hereby approves your purchase."

* * *

It all went by so fast. Getting the loan from the bank, signing all the papers. When Richard locked himself in that night, he felt like the king of the world. In a shitload of debt, okay, but still... master of all he surveyed. He shrugged off his jacket before bringing the bag from the corner store through the apartment, onto the balcony, and then up the staircase winding its way up the side of the building. It wasn't just the fact that the apartment was large, fairly central and somehow affordable - you'd be lucky to be able to pick two in San Francisco's insane market - that made Richard desperate to own it. Due to the rule-defying folly of a mule-headed previous owner, the apartment had its very own miniature observatory. The staircase led up to a dome which occupied a little roof space but was only accessible from Richard's top floor apartment. It could fit at most two people. Its covered walls could retract to reveal curved panes of clean glass, and at the centre was a telescope, heavy and good quality. Richard sat on the stool he had there, opened the bag and got out a Rock Star and a Snickers bar. This was his house warming party, and the whole galaxy was invited. He sighed contentedly and started gazing through the telescope, trying to get a focus on the rings of Saturn when a shooting star passed directly in his field of vision. He gasped. It felt like a sign. A sign things were finally going right in the life of Richard fucking Hendricks.

* * *

Richard was happy. His work on his Pied Piper app was progressing at a breakneck speed (he'd even designed a logo he was really pleased with), and he also had a previously untapped surplus of energy to do all the shit he'd always wanted to but was too afraid of losing his deposit to go through with. Wobbling on the top of a stepladder, he drilled holes in the ceiling to harness a projector and a pull-down screen. When he was done he was going to ask Big Head over and ask him to play Fortnite projected onto a whole fucking wall, how about that! He knew about the whole sham marriage thing too and he was easy going enough that he'd probably let Richard hold his hand or something if the neighbours saw him coming in. The perfect fucking cover. Richard smiled to himself and was about to drill another hole when the doorbell buzzed. Frowning, he climbed down. He wasn't expecting anybody. 

"Um, hello?" he said through the calling system.

_"Hello, we represent the US Immigration department, and we'd like to speak to mister Dunn."_

Richard was confused for a beat before remembering that was Jared, or Donald, or whatever's, last name.

"Uhh he's not home?"

_"Is this mister Hendricks?"_

"Um yeah?"

_"Congratulations on your recent marriage. This is simply a routine check to see that everything is in order before we issue your husband his green card. May we come in?"_


	2. Chapter 2

Just short of two months before representatives from the US Citizenship and Immigration Services showed up on Richard Hendricks' doorstep, Jared Dunn found himself in a holding cell in Texas. A drunk snored loudly in one corner, a young man - maybe 19 - kept pounding the walls and telling everybody his dad was a very important man and they'd all be sorry, and Jared was sitting quietly and patiently trying not to panic. 

"Dunn," an officer said and Jared stood up. The officer opened the door and the young man tried to crowd through it. 

"Step back, sir," the officer said.

"What's your name huh? What's your name? When my dad hears about this, you'll be lucky to get a job shovelling shit."

"Good thing I have so much experience handling turds like you, then," the officer said, shoving the man backwards. 

Jared walked out of the cell and followed the officer along while the young man swore and yelled about how his dad would have the whole police station razed to the ground. 

"Just in here, sir," the officer said and Jared entered a small office where a very fat man sucking on a toothpick sat at a desk, looking at an old monitor. 

"Sit down. I'm officer Hawley."

"Um, Jared Dunn. Nice to meet you!"

Hawley looked at him as if that was a statement too dumb to engage with. Jared sat down and tried to remember everything he knew about friendly body language. Open arms. Straight back. Smile. 

"Says here you're resident in San Francisco."

"Yes, sir."

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm visiting a friend of mine."

"Girlfriend?"

"No. We actually became friends on Facebook, we co-moderate a rug hooking group there."

"What?"

"You know, rug hooking? It's a great American folk art medium with a very rich history. What you do is, you take strips of fabric-"

The officer raised an open palm and Jared shut up. 

"You were arrested buying marijuana. I assume you know this isn't California and that the purchase of recreational drugs is an illegal act in the state of Texas."

"It was for my friend," Jared explained. "she has arthritis and it helps with the pain."

"Mmmhmm."

"Officer, I will of course pay any fine and--"

"Also says here you have previous convictions."

Jared's face heated up. "Um, well, as I'm sure you can see, those are nearly fifteen years old and contained to a small window of time. I'm happy and proud to say I have managed to turn my life around."

"Solicitation," Hawley said, ignoring him. "mmhmm."

Jared folded his hands, concentrated on his breathing. He just had to get through this. He'd be fine.

"Also says here you're a German national."

"What?" Jared looked at him. "That has to be a mistake. I'm uh, I'm from the Boston area originally."

"Donald Dunn, birth name Donald Meier."

"Can uh, can I have a look at that?"

"And among your belongings we found a work ID which says Jared Dunn."

"Oh, well I can explain that---"

"So which one is it?"

"My um, my boss, he decided to call me Jared and he doesn't like to be corrected so I uh, I just asked HR to change my information to that. But my name is Donald D-Dunn, as um, you can see on my license and uh." He was stuttering. That hadn't happened for a long time.

"Do you have the funds to pay a 2000 dollar fine at this moment?"

"Yes," Jared said.

"Okay, go talk to the officer at the desk," Hawley said, suddenly bored. "you're free to go, but I will have to report this to Immigration."

"But I'm not an immigrant," Jared said. "that's a mistake."

* * *

_"Jared, what the fuck. I told you never to call me at work."_

"I'm sorry," Jared said in a thick voice. "but I need you."

Jared had been seeing Paul for nearly a year. He was blond and tan and worked in Hooli's legal department. Jared had been the Belson office liaison on a fairly serious, drawn-out lawsuit Hooli was involved with and Paul had been one of the lawyers on the team, so they'd spent a lot of time working together, and Jared had been flattered when he'd suggested they go for drinks. He'd ended the night giving Paul head on his expensive designer sofa and they'd been seeing each other since. Or well, kind of. Paul was very clear their relationship was to remain a secret and he'd given Jared orders never to talk about him to his friends or co-workers. Jared had agreed, thinking he'd come around in time, but his stance had never really wavered. Jared had mostly managed to be discreet but the secrecy, which at first had been a little exciting, eventually just made him sad and sometimes he'd refer to "his boyfriend" thinking as long as he never gave any identifying detail, that would probably be okay. Not that Paul would ever use the term 'boyfriend' in relation to what they were. At least, not yet, Jared reasoned to himself. He could wait.

_"What's wrong,"_ Paul asked, sounding weary.

"Well, you remember that letter from Immigration, the one I thought was a mistake? And I requested a meeting with CPS to get a copy of my file and get it all cleared up? Well, I was just there, and oh, do you think you could pick me up?"

_"Are you crying?"_

"I've just learnt something very upsetting. I'd really rather not be alone. Please can you come pick me up?"

Paul sighed deeply. _"Listen, Jared, I'm busy. I'm going to have to pull overtime again, I just don't have the time for your shit. Get someone else to drive you home."_ He hung up.

Jared stared a little incredulously at his phone, then flipped through his contacts and dialled another number.

*

Jared was sitting at his friend Edith's kitchen table, pressing Kleenex tissues onto his face. Her long, grey hair was collected in a thick plait and she wore a light green kaftan. When she'd come to pick him up outside the CPS office she'd taken one look at the state of him and decided to drive him to her little house instead of Jared's condo.

"You let it out, honey."

"He wouldn't even come pick me up."

"Your boyfriend is an asshole, how many times do I have to tell you. Dump the chump."

"He has his good qualities," Jared mumbled. "I just... I just wish he was a little kinder."

"My dad used to tell me, wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which one fills up first."

"Edie," Jared said a little reproachfully.

"So tell me what happened at CPS."

"A case worker apparently spent a lot of time investigating my case. She really took a special interest in trying to find my birth family, it must have been kind of a hobby for her over the years. She found out the reason I don't have a birth certificate is I was born in Munich. There's a copy of my German birth certificate she had them fax over. I was born Donald Meier, to Barbara Meier, father unknown." Jared wiped his eyes with a fresh Kleenex and tried to smile. "At least I know my birthday now. It's in June."

"So where does the name Dunn come from?"

"That's the name of the man I thought was my dad, but turns out he's just someone my mom lived with for a time. She came here, with me, on a tourist visa and just never went home. After she passed I ended up in the foster system."

"How old were you?"

"Three or four."

"You poor baby. Let me get you some more tea," she said, pouring the cold tea at the bottom of Jared's cup out and getting a fresh bag. "but what I can't figure is, why wouldn't this case worker contact you and let you know what she found?"

"Probably because of what I'm about to tell you next. It gets worse, Edie. The reason I requested a meeting with them in the first place is, following that business in uh, Texas..."

"That dump."

"Well, um, I got a letter from Immigration saying that due to my multiple arrests I am no longer wanted in the United States of America and have been asked to return to Germany. I'm not a legal resident. I'm going to be deported. What am I going to do?"

Edith sighed and looked out the window. "Any chance that asshole boyfriend of yours will marry you?"

"Slim," Jared said darkly. "why?"

"Well," Edie said. "you'd get a green card if he did. But frankly, I think you'd be better off in Germany than with that guy."

* * *

When Jared had explained the situation to Paul, he had called it a "total clusterfuck" and dumped him. He told Jared he had to protect himself and he couldn't get involved with anything like that. As bad as Jared felt about it, he wasn't as upset as he thought he would be? Then again, he had bigger problems. It wasn't that he had anything against Germany. He liked läderhosen and was a huge fan of chancellor Merkel. But the thought of starting all over again, after he'd worked so hard to get an education, a job, a place of his own... it was daunting. While Jared worked in tech he wasn't the most tech savvy guy alive, but still, he'd picked up a few things. He installed a VPN and downloaded the TOR browser, and went digging into the recesses of the SF black online economy. A notice for "proforma marriage, asap, will take legit anything" caught his eye and he called a number and met up with a hairy stoner who asked him a few questions and told him to meet him and "his client" at the Cafe de Paris the next day.

Jared had wanted to be early but he was running late. Traffic had been a nightmare and he'd had trouble finding somewhere to park. He jogged up to the coffee shop and recognised Erlich, sitting on the other side of the window with a man. That must be the client. Jared smiled a little. He looked to be around Jared's age, his jacket was a little too big and made him look vulnerable and boyish. He had big eyes and curly hair and a strong aquiline nose. He was handsome. Jared bit his lip. He wondered if he'd ever see him again after today. He caught himself hoping so.

* * *

The plan had worked. It just... had. The marriage certificate, and a strongly worded letter from Gavin Belson himself Jared had enclosed with it, had effectively cancelled his deportation. Life was back to normal, more or less, and Paul had started texting him again. Jared hadn't answered any of them yet, but he wanted to. He probably would. Right now he was too busy though, Hooli had just acquisitioned a streaming site for gamers and he was overseeing the transfer of their employees, users and data. His fingers danced over the keyboards as he was typing into the Slack channel, and his cell phone rang. He deftly put it on speaker and kept writing.

"Jared Dunn speaking."

"Hey Jared, it's Karen in reception. Your husband is here and he says there's an emergency."


	3. Chapter 3

Hooli campus was intimidating. It reminded Richard why he preferred freelancing and contract gigs. It had a sort of desperately studenty atmosphere. He spotted fooseball tables and desks with treadmills attached. Company-mandated fun. He shuddered. 

The receptionist shot him another icy look. What was her problem? He didn't like the way she'd reacted when he'd told her he was Jared's husband either. She hadn't actually said anything, just looked him up and down and went "oh. You're Richard." like you'd say, "oh. You're the guy who taxidermies rats." Had Jared like been... talking shit about him? At least the stuff he'd made up about Jared had been flattering.

Finally Jared emerged, just as tall, pale and nervous looking as he'd been the last time they saw each other.

"Hey honey!" he said, walked over and gave Richard a hug. His arms were thin and hard and Richard had to tilt his head back to avoid crashing his face into his bony shoulder. It felt like grappling with a tree. "Let's um let's get some fresh air," Jared said, placing a huge hand at the small of Richard's back and pushing him towards the exit.

"Can you like, not touch me," he hissed when they were out of earshot. Jared's hand fell away.

"I'm sorry."

"Fine, fine. The reason I'm here is Immigration showed up at my door last night. Just making sure we're married for real and not two morons trying to game the system. They're coming back today to talk to you. Us."

Jared, somehow, got even whiter. "Oh no."

"You're uh, where are you from? You don't have an accent."

Jared chewed his lip. "Richard, could you wait here for me for ten minutes? I'll be right back."

"Um, okay."

Jared hustled back into the building, moving quick on those long spindly legs. Richard got his phone out and checked his emails. He was relieved to find one from Pete Monahan, an attorney he'd used a couple of times, agreeing to meet him. He sent off a quick and grateful reply and when he looked up Jared was back, jacket on and a laptop bag slung over his shoulder. He looked very professional and grown-up. Richard felt a little scummy in his hoodie and jeans, with his face full of adult acne because he wouldn't leave the energy drinks alone. Maybe the receptionist just didn't think he was good enough for this guy. She probably had a point.

"Well, my boss wasn't happy but I have the rest of the day off," Jared said. "let's go."

They got into Jared's Prius and drove to Richard's building, and Jared explained the situation as best he could. Richard didn't know what to say. His life story was like... one of those weird food videos people make that start as a burrito and end up as a birthday cake. Just one wtf turn after another. He felt sorry for the guy. He also felt a little ashamed when he explained he'd gone through with the marriage thing to buy an apartment. It seemed kind of trivial in comparison.

"I understand," Jared said, as if that was the most reasonable thing in the world. "the housing market here is a nightmare. I only managed to get my condo because the previous owner convinced her son to let me buy it at value instead of putting it on the market and starting a bidding war."

"Couldn't she just sell it to you herself?" Richard asked.

"Oh, I mean, after her passing," Jared replied. Richard shut up. Asking this Jared guy questions was kind of stressful.

"Uh, this is the street, there's parking if you take a left here," Richard directed. Jared turned left, found a spot, and they walked together into the foyer.

"Hello, mister Hendricks," the doorman said.

"Uh, hey, Jackson."

"Is this mister Dunn?"

"Why, yes!" Jared said. 

"Welcome back, sir. How was France?"

"France?"

"You travel light, don't you?" the doorman said, looking at his laptop bag.

"We better get upstairs, he's so jetlagged," Richard said. "we just got back from the airport."

"I get it, I've been young too you know," the doorman said, and picked his paperback novel back up. 

Richard caught Jared looking at a mailbox that said DUNN & HENDRICKS in the same ornate letters as all the other boxes. He jabbed the elevator button and it mercifully pinged open, and they stepped in.

"Um, I kind of had to put you down as a co-habitant and those plates are issued by the building," Richard said. "sorry."

"I don't mind," Jared said.

"I put your name first because Hendricks & Dunn sounded like a law firm."

Jared smiled. "So, um, France?"

"I told everyone you were on business in Paris."

"Okay. When do you think immigration will be here?"

"I don't know. They wouldn't give me a time."

The elevator doors pinged open on the top floor, and Richard charged down the hallway, Jared following close behind. Richard hustled him inside the apartment. "Okay, so uh, this is it. Here, take your shoes off, give me your jacket--" 

There was a knock on the door. They stared at each other. Richard looked out through the peephole and the officials from the night before, ms Pace and mr Kendall, were standing right in the hallway. The doorman must have recognised them and buzzed them in. "Oh, fuck, oh fuck," Richard said.

"It's okay, it's okay," Jared said, kicking off his shoes and handing his jacket to Richard. "just open up, let me do the talking."

"I'll do the talking, I live here," Richard said, hanging Jared's jacket on the coatrack.

Jared sat down on Richard's black leatherette couch, tried to look comfortable. "Open it."

"We're not ready," Richard said. There was another knock. 

"Honey could you get that?" Jared said loudly, theatrically.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Richard hissed, wiped the sweat off his face with the sleeve of his hoodie and opened the door. The officials smiled at him. Ms Pace had a pageboy haircut and square glasses, mr Kendall was bald and and wore an ill fitting suit.

"Hello again, mister Hendricks."

"Um hi uh hey. Uh."

"Who's that, baby?" Jared said, coming up behind him and putting an arm around his shoulders. Richard tensed up. He just didn't like being touched and to make it all even worse, Jared was a really shitty actor.

"Uh the people from immigration, I told you about them."

"Oh, yes, of course, I myself just came back from a business trip in France," Jared said. God, he made The Rock look like Meryl Streep.

"Yes, mister Hendricks told us you were away."

"Come in," Richard mumbled, and kind of shoved Jared in front of him back towards the sofa, sliding away from under his arm. Jared sat down and Richard sat down next to him. Richard smiled and wondered if it looked natural, because he wanted to die.

"These are just a few routine questions," ms Pace said. "so have you been together for a long time?"

"Three years," Jared said and Richard said "four years" at the same time. 

"I mean uh. I mean it's coming up on our fourth anniversary," Richard said, trying to cover. If Jared could just shut up, this might work. 

"How did you meet?"

Jared opened his mouth and Richard reached down and pinched his arm and he gasped. "Paris," Richard said. "um, we, we were staying in the same hotel."

"You travel often to France, mr Dunn?"

"Yes, uh, I really enjoy the museums and art galleries," Jared said.

"I thought you were there for work."

"Um, yes, I, always volunteer to go, so I can see the museums as well," Jared said.

Then Richard's phone started ringing. "Heh uh," he said, ignoring it. 

"You can take that, mister Hendricks, it's okay," mr Kendall said.

"No, that's fine," Richard said, praying whoever was on the other end would hang up. They didn't. He really shouldn't have made the Mario theme his ringtone. God, it was probably Big Head. He'd just put it on speaker and play games or eat or whatever until someone picked up, he'd seen it in action. He got up and picked up the phone.

"Hey man, really can't talk right now," Richard said. 

"Hey Richard. Do you wanna come hang out later? We're having a tournament. I'd like you to be on my team. Gilfoyle and Dinesh always play together and Erlich plays alone, he says I hold him back."

"Big Head, this is not the best time."

*

Jared glanced over at Richard talking into the phone over in the kitchen area, kind of hunched over.

"Say mr Dunn, could I use your bathroom?" mr Kendall asked.

"Um," Jared said, looking at Richard, who seemed to be agitatedly explaining something, flapping his free hand around. "go ahead."

"Where is it?"

"Where's what?"

"The bathroom."

Jared smiled benignly, and got up. He scanned the place. How big could it be? He walked over to the hall and opened a door, and Richard's luggage and cleaning supplies tumbled out. "It used to be here, but we moved it," Jared said.

"Okay mr Dunn. Where is it now?"

Jared tried another door. "Here's our bedroom."

"And the bathroom?"

Jared spotted another door and walked over, and had never been happier to see a toilet in his life. "Well, it's right here. Enjoy!"

"Thanks," mr Kendall said, giving him a weird look. Jared smiled back and went to sit on the sofa, next to Richard who had finished his phone call and was now staring nervously at him. Jared put an arm around his shoulders again and Richard visibly cringed. Ms Pace tilted her head and narrowed her eyes.

* * *

"They called us in for an in depth interview on Tuesday," Richard said. "today's Friday. How fucked am I, exactly?"

Pete Monahan looked at him with unblinking, steel blue eyes. He was eating a donut in the park next to the public library, which served as his office until he got his practice back up and running. As he'd willingly tell anyone, his assets had been seized to pay restitution to his victims, but through the greatness and glory of God he'd gotten his license to practice law back. "You're pretty fucked, Richard. What were you thinking?"

Richard groaned. "I just-- you know how the housing market is in the Bay area--"

"You've committed fraud. That's an offense that carries prison time."

Richard groaned again and went a little green. "What uh what should I do??"

"If you want my advice, you move him into your apartment over the weekend, you introduce him to your friends-"

"Wait, why?"

"Richard, they are going to interview you separately. You need to learn as much as you can about this man's life, and he needs to know as much as possible about yours. Think of it as cramming before an exam."

"Fuck," Richard said. He didn't really want to hear another thing about Jared Dunn's fucked up life. "there has to be another way."

"Yes," Monahan nodded and Richard perked up. "you could come clean, he could be deported, you will most likely have charges brought against you and lose your apartment."

"But I don't know him," Richard whined. "and he's so... like, it's hard to explain. He's really strange."

"I understand," Pete Monahan said. "some times one wonders if it's too easy to get married in this country. At least he's of age. He is of age, isn't he?"

"Uh, yes." 

"You're sure? Some times they look older."

"Yes!"

"Good. That saves you from a series of very unpleasant additional charges, especially if crossing state lines is involved."

"This is a fucking nightmare," Richard said. "I can't believe this is happening."

"Richard, one of the many valuable things they taught me in New Beginning's program for cocaine addicts was to take ownership of your actions. You married this man. Nobody made you do it. Not the dancing dust. Not the yayo. You did it. Own it."

"Uuuugh," Richard groaned, covering his face with his hands.

"Richard, you're going to have to excuse me, I'd like to use the library's facilities before they lock them for the evening. Let me know if you need assistance in the events of your arrest or your divorce."

Monahan took his case with him and disappeared into the building. Richard rubbed his face, then he picked up his phone and dialled Jared's number.


	4. Chapter 4

Jared came back to Richard's apartment with a bag of belongings, a reusable carrier bag full of groceries, and an awkward smile. 

"Uh, hey man." Richard said, opening the door and stepping aside to let him in. "Just like, put your stuff wherever. With my luck we'll probably get a random housecall. I've got some blankets and stuff so you can sleep on the couch."

"Thanks, Richard."

"So uh, my friend Big Head is coming over a little later, I just wanted you to meet him. He's my oldest friend so you should probably get to know him a little."

"Okay."

"Um. Make yourself at home."

Jared looked around, put the grocery bag in the kitchen, and quietly started unpacking. Some books, a toothbrush, his PC and chargers, changes of clothes. He seemed pretty subdued and Richard felt awkward, wasn't sure what to say. He didn't really want to autopsy that disastrous meeting with immigration, but wasn't sure how to initiate the conversation on how they needed to get their stories straight either. Then the doorbell buzzed. Richard went over to the calling system.

"Hello," he said.

"Yo," Big Head's voice came drifting through and Richard buzzed him in.

"Well, there's uh, Big Head, I'm just, gonna go meet him," Richard said, walking backwards out of the apartment and closing the door. He wanted to fill Big Head in a little before he introduced him to Jared. He called for the elevator and then it arrived, and both Big Head and mrs Bernstein stepped out of it. Richard smiled pleasantly at mrs Bernstein, but she didn't smile back.

"Hey, papi," Big Head said, grabbed Richard by the collar and pulled him down to kiss him hard on the lips. Richard made a 'nngh' sort of noise and sort of flapped his arms. Mrs Bernstein hurried down the hallway and disappeared around a corner, and Big Head let go of Richard with a big smug self satisfied look on his face. He looked like a koala bear in the greenest eucalyptus tree in Australia. Richard looked shell shocked. 

"What-- what the fuck the what the what what fuck the?"

"Is that what you had in mind?" 

"What?!"

"Your message said you needed some help with this fake marriage thing of yours to make it look convincing?"

"Yeah I-- I didn't mean-- I didn't mean that!"

Big Head blushed. "Oh, shit. I thought you meant you wanted me to pretend to be the guy you married."

"No! No, no, no!"

"Sorry," Big Head said, then made a confused face. "what did you mean?"

"I-- I--" the spiel he'd been planning on giving Big Head had been completely erased from his brain and replaced by his mind disbelievingly repeating the phrase 'hey, papi' in Big Head's voice. Where the fuck had he picked up that one. "uh-- just come inside."

Big Head followed Richard inside the apartment, where Jared was looking through his kitchen cabinets. 

"Uh, what are you doing," Richard said, feeling embarrassed, as if there was anything incriminating in there.

"I thought I'd make dinner," Jared said, then looked at Big Head. "hello!"

"Hey, man," Big Head said.

"So uh, Jared, Big Head, Big Head, Jared."

"Good to meet you," Jared said. "you have a very unusual name."

Big Head laughed. "No, it's really Nelson Bighetti. Big Head is just a nickname."

"So uh, Jared here is uh, you know," Richard said, gesturing. Jared smiled. Big Head looked confused. "my husband," Richard hissed.

"Oh! You're the guy!" Big Head said. "Okay!"

"Guilty."

"So did you need to buy an apartment too?"

"No, actually," Jared began. 

"No uh, no need to get into all that," Richard said. Jared smiled again. It seemed to be kind of a defense mechanism.

"Can I have a knife and a cutting board, Richard?" Jared asked. Richard huffed a little but opened some drawers and got them out for him. "Would you like to eat with us, Nelson?"

"Oh, yeah, thanks man," Big Head said. "I'm kind of hungry. I haven't really eaten since like breakfast. That's got to be at least five hours ago."

"It's 8 30 pm," Jared said, confused.

"Yeah."

*

Jared made vegetarian enchiladas, and they were really good. Richard had seconds and thirds and Big Head inhaled his. 

"Super good, man," Big Head said. "I haven't had like real home made food in maybe... like a year. Are you a chef?"

Jared laughed. "Thank you. No. I work for Hooli."

"No way, so do I! I haven't seen you around. Are you an engineer?"

"No, I'm a project manager."

"Have you ever met Gavin Belson? I saw him once, when I first started working there."

"Yes," Jared said. "I started out as his assistant."

"What?" Richard asked. "For real? What's he like?"

Jared smiled the defensive smile again. "He's a very demanding boss. He expects perfection. But if he likes you, you can rise in the ranks."

"I heard he has a blood boy," Big Head said, grinning.

"What?" Richard asked.

"He gets blood transfusions from a young dude to keep him healthy," Big Head said. "I saw it on Reddit."

"Mmm," Jared said. "Bryce."

Richard and Big Head stared, and then Big Head burst out laughing. "Bryce!" he repeated, like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. Richard started giggling too, but then he turned a little green, and he ran for the bathroom.

"Richard?" Jared said. He followed and heard retching noises from inside. "Oh good lord, Richard! Maybe some of the vegetables were spoilt?" He couldn't believe it, he'd gone to Whole Foods especially so he could make a good impression after that horrible meeting with immigration, and he'd ended up poisoning poor Richard. 

"Don't worry," Big Head said. "he throws up all the time."

"What?"

"It was probably the cilantro."

"Oh dear! But he saw me put it in? Couldn't he taste it? Oh, why didn't he say anything?"

Big Head shrugged. "He really likes the stuff. He's kind of an idiot. Really smart, but kind of an idiot."

*

"Erlich wanted me to ask you about the thing tomorrow," Big Head said as he was leaving. "your app thing."

"Oh shit," Richard said. "I forgot. I don't think I have time for that."

"Okay," Big Head shrugged. "Erlich said if you didn't dazzle him you could fuck off forever and he's even bribed Gilfoyle and Dinesh into listening to you. Sounds stressful to me."

Richard pressed his lips together. Pied Piper was coming along really well, but he knew he couldn't do it on his own when it came time to scale, which is what he'd have to do if - when! - he got funding. He knew he could count on Big Head, but he also knew Big Head was kind of useless, as much as he loved the guy. Gilfoyle, the bastard, was probably the best systems architect in the Valley, Dinesh wrote great Java and more importantly, was one of the few people who could stand being in a room with Gilfoyle all day, and Erlich- well, he wasn't sure how much money Erlich had left after his Aviato sale, but he kind of hoped Erlich would maybe want to invest a little, and he really hoped he'd let him use the hacker house as a HQ. The problem was they all thought Pied Piper sucked. They didn't even like the name, which Richard couldn't understand. But Richard had worked on them for months now, trying to convince them it was a totally different product than the one they'd all laughed at a year ago.

"Uh, okay," Richard said. "I'm coming over tomorrow, like, um, noon ish."

"Okay," Big Head said. "hey, Jared, you should come too."

"Hmm?" Jared said.

"No, that's alright," Richard said. "you don't have to come."

"Yeah, come along!" Big Head said. "You can meet the guys, they're all super nice."

"I'd like that, if it's alright with you, Richard," Jared said softly.

"Sure," Richard said through gritted teeth.

*

"Are you comfortable?" Richard asked. He looked at Jared, in his pajamas, arranging himself under the blankets he'd left on the sofa. Jared smiled again, placidly and professionally. 

"Very comfortable. Good night, Richard."

"Good night, Jared. See you in the morning." Richard walked into his bedroom and closed the door behind him. He looked at it for a few moments, deliberating, and then he locked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was going to be like a five-parter but it's completely getting away from me and will probably end up being around twice that. Expect frequent updates as I've already written a ton. Should reiterate that the title, the plot and all the best lines are stolen from the 90s romcom, I was watching it on youtube and felt ~inspired. It's also really personally amusing to me to have cast Jared in the Gerard Depardieu role (as he has uh, a very different energy) but Richard works weirdly well as the Andie MacDowell character. Big big thanks to the people coming out to the niche corner to read this weird thing, brace yourself for shameless emotional pornography!
> 
> Also aaaah SV is coming back in like a matter of hours I'm so excited :D


	5. Chapter 5

When Jared woke up, it took a moment before he could orientate himself. He was on a sofa. He could see unadorned white walls, a large flatscreen TV, and simple black IKEA bookshelves full of books. Richard's apartment. He looked at his phone, swiped away a 'U up?' message from Paul which had arrived at three in the morning, and looked at the time. Six, which was when he usually got up. He sighed. He always felt so awkward in other people's properties, and Richard didn't seem to be the type to get up early. Well, he thought to himself, he was here for a reason. To study Richard. Might as well get started.

He went into the bathroom, looked at Richard's things. Head and Shoulders 2-in-1 shampoo. Colgate toothpaste. A pill bottle, Cipralex, which according to the label was prescribed to Richard to treat anxiety. "Cipralex," Jared said out loud. "Cipralex." He couldn't see much else of interest in the bathroom so he went back to the living room and scanned the bookshelves. Books on computer science, astronomy, physics. Science fiction novels, neatly alphabetized by writer. Vonnegut was clearly a favourite. Star Trek novelizations and a Star Trek: The Next Generation Technical Manual which made Jared smile a little. He pulled it out and flipped through it, and his smile widened to see a sticker with Ex Libris Richard Hendricks 2003 and annotations a younger Richard had made on the different spaceship and weapon designs. 

He put the book back and looked over at the TV, which had a couple of different games consoles attached to it. He couldn't tell those things apart, so Richard would have to fill him in there. He walked out to the balcony, and looked up at the winding staircase leading to the observatory, the folly that had made Richard risk this situation. He wondered if he should go up there. But it felt a little forbidden, even though Richard hadn't said anything. He sighed and looked out over the city. It was a nice, sunny day. He went back inside for a note pad and pen, returned to the balcony, sat down and started to write down the things he knew to be true about Richard Hendricks.

*

When it was getting close to nine, Jared got sick of waiting. He boiled coffee, made up a breakfast spread and tried to find dishes and cutlery that matched in Richard's drawers. Then he knocked on Richard's bedroom door. 

"Richard? Are you awake?"

There was a silence, and then a sort of groan on the other side of the door. "Uhhh yuh. Uh."

"I made breakfast," Jared said. "it's ready when you are."

Fifteen minutes later Richard emerged, blinking, looking like he'd been pulled out of bed at 2 AM by a fire alarm. He looked suspiciously at the spread on his kitchen table. Two kinds of bread, sliced and resting on a napkin in a bowl, jam, peanut butter, cheese, boiled eggs, fresh coffee. Jared hoped it was alright. Maybe Richard didn't eat breakfast.

"Uhhmm."

"This is gluten free bread, that's for me," Jared said. "that's rye, can you eat that Richard?"

"Uh, sure."

"Please ask me questions if you're unsure of any of these foods. I don't want you to become ill again." 

"It's no big deal," Richard mumbled. "this all looks good. Thanks."

"You're welcome! I thought we'd get started on getting to know each other." 

Richard poured himself a cup of coffee, smelled it, then drank, closed his eyes and sat still and quiet for a bit before smiling a little, secretly. Then he drank some more and his eyes blinked open. "Yeah, okay."

*

"So from 2012 to 2014 you worked for Facebook," Jared said, scribbling. "what was your role there?"

"Engineer."

"Why did you leave the position?"

"I had a nervous breakdown," Richard mumbled. 

Jared looked up from his pad. "I'm so sorry to hear that."

"It was a shitty place to work. I still boycott everything that worm Mark Zuckerberg owns. Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on," Richard said, a little agitated. "like, Nobel and Oppenheimer died full of regret and shame for their creations, that piece of shit facilitated genocide in Myanmar and just went oh well and started plans to destabilise - sorry, disrupt - the world economy."

Jared frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean-- I mean, their crypto currency project, Libra." Richard shrugged, looked embarrassed. "It doesn't matter. I just really hate them."

"I'm on Facebook a lot," Jared said, and Richard shrugged again. "I just mean, do you think that's something we'd argue about? If um, if we were in a relationship?"

Richard considered it. "Uhh. I mean, it's not a dealbreaker for me, I know other people love those shitty websites."

"Well, technically I love the people I talk to through Facebook, not the website itself," Jared said.

"Okay, do you love making Mark Zuckerberg rich through the data you and your friends generate for free for him every day?" Jared grinned. "What?"

"Our first fight," Jared said, then looked down at his pad and started scribbling. 

Richard smiled, looked a little embarrassed. "Okay, okay."

"So you've been freelancing since 2014?"

"Yeah, around then. I'm um, I don't wanna like brag, but I'm pretty good at what I do. I make more working on my own on short term contracts than I did at Facebook. And I can get up when I want, work at my own pace, and I don't have to deal with a shitty boss or annoying coworkers."

"There must be a lot of paperwork involved with freelancing. That's something I could help you out with."

Richard frowned. "You'd do that?" He hated filing his taxes every year, put it off for as long as he could. He'd only opened a SEP IRA the year before.

"I mean, if I was your boyfriend."

Richard blushed. "Yes uhh uh yes that's what I meant too uh. Yeah uhh cool that would I mean, that is something that I would appreciate you helping me out with, yes."

Jared smiled and wrote in his pad again. "So you were freelancing when we met. In Paris."

Richard sighed. He tried to remember why he'd made up something as convoluted as that. He'd never been outside the US. Why the fuck would he go to Paris. "Yeah uh... let's say I had a windfall and decided to go on holiday." As if that's something he'd do. "I chose Paris because... uh... I don't fucking know, I like croissants. And you were there on a business trip for Hooli -do you have a European HQ?"

"We have offices in every major European city," Jared said.

"Perfect. And um, it so happens we were both staying at the same hotel."

"You were sitting alone in the hotel bar one night and I thought, gosh, he's handsome," Jared said, getting into it. "then I heard you order and realised you were American, so I walked up and struck up a conversation."

Richard nodded. "I was travelling by myself, obviously, and I was feeling kind of lonely and wanted to talk to somebody, so I was glad you came up. Turned out we both live in SF and both work in tech, so we had a lot in common."

"I asked you if you wanted to go sightseeing with me the next morning. We met up at breakfast in the hotel restaurant and then we spent the whole day together. We saw the Notre Dame and did a boat trip on the Seine."

"The uh. Yeah. That's the river. Fuck, I need to look on Hooli maps or something. Umm. Yeah, we spent the whole day together, it was super fun and uh... romantic."

"Did we kiss?"

"Yeah, sure, why not."

"Did we spend the night together, too?"

Richard shrugged and smiled, looked down. "Yeah, Jared. We went back to the hotel that night and had mind blowing, life changing sex until four in the morning, how does that sound."

Jared made an approving little noise, wrote something down, and then looked a little wistful. "It sounds nice, actually," he said. "I wouldn't mind having a romance like that."

Richard frowned. "Do you think it sounds too, like, perfect? Too made up? Should we say we met on an app instead?"

Jared shook his head. "No, I don't think it's outside the realms of possibility that two people meet and like each other in real life. Okay. So we spent a few days together in Paris, then we flew back, swapped numbers and started seeing each other here as well."

"You're my first real long term relationship," Richard said. "I'm like, crazy about you."

"I've had other relationships," Jared said thoughtfully. "but this is the best and healthiest I've been in, and I think you're the one."

"You asked me to marry you after three years together, but I said no, because I wasn't ready," Richard said, remembering a detail from his interview with the board. "then you got that letter from immigration and I proposed to you. So that's why it was kind of rushed. But it was still genuine." Jared made a face. "What?"

"Nothing," Jared said. "I um. I was seeing somebody, and when the deportation business started, he broke up with me."

Richard gaped. "What the fuck? What an asshole!"

Jared shrugged. "Make believe is a lot better than real life, I guess." 

Richard didn't really know what to say to that. "Oh hey uh," he said after a silence. "we should uh, we should get going, I have that thing at the hacker hostel."

* * *

"Jesus Christ," Erlich barked when Jared and Richard showed up together.

"Hello," Jared greeted brightly.

"Richard, may I talk to you in private," Erlich said, staring Jared down.

"Um uh," Richard said, and Erlich grabbed his thin arm and pulled him into his bedroom, leaving Jared standing a little awkwardly in the hallway.

Richard didn't like being in Erlich's room. It stank. For some reason he never opened the curtains so it was always dark and dim, he certainly never washed his windows, and it just felt like the very air had... a film on it. Richard breathed shallowly lest he get a contact high just from being in the vicinity of Erlich's furniture and tried to ignore the girly posters. Who had shit like that up anymore now the internet was available to pump porn into your eyeballs 24/7? Somebody committed to being a sleazeball, that's who.

"What's he doing here? What do you think you're doing?" Erlich demanded.

"Well, like I told you yesterday morning, your genius plan backfired and now we have to do interviews with the fucking citizenship and immigration bureau. He's moved into my place for the weekend so we can get to know each other and maybe uh, avoid prison."

"You're letting this man sleep at your place? Where?"

"On the couch, where do you think? What's your problem?"

"You know, young Richard, you've never even invited me over to your apartment. Even though I personally nursed you when you first moved out here, defenseless and weak. I suckled you at my teat," Erlich raised his arms as if he was supporting a baby, "until your jelly-like bones were strong enough to support you, and then I sent you out into the world. And do I get any thanks? Do I fuck."

"Uuuughh," Richard said. "you-- you gave me a place to crash. You made me sign a contract giving you stakes in any product I developed. Which, I'm--"

"When you were about to be homeless, mere weeks ago, did I not find a solution?"

"What? Are you talking about--" Richard gestured in the vicinity of where they'd left Jared. "you charged me five thousand dollars!"

"But did I not?"

"This is dumb," Richard said, and went out into the living room. Jared was sitting on the sofa, rescued by Big Head, who was sitting next to him. Gilfoyle and Dinesh had turned their office chairs towards them and they were deep in conversation. "oh no." Richard muttered through his teeth.

"It's a wig, right?" Dinesh said.

"Not as far as I know," Jared replied. 

"Rich people hair never looks real," Gilfoyle said. "they spend too much money on it."

"Hey Richard, where have you been hiding this guy?" Dinesh said, looking delighted. "He knows Gavin Belson!"

"Okay uh," Richard said. "now uh, you're all here - Erlich? Erlich, are you coming?" 

Erlich emerged in the opening of his door, scowled, then deigned to join them. "A promise is a promise. Some of us honour our obligations to our fellow men."

So Richard hooked his laptop up to the TV and showed them the presentation he'd been working on, demonstrated the Pied Piper demo, and talked about all the ways it could be useful - to songwriters, people in the record industry. He talked enthusiastically and confidently and noted the way Jared in particular paid rapt attention, smiling encouragingly whenever Richard caught his eye. 

"Well," Richard said, pleased with himself, balling his fists and putting them to his hips in a superman pose. "what do you think?"

"I think," Gilfoyle said, then he blew a raspberry which lasted for nearly ten seconds. 

"Yeah this sucks Richard," Dinesh said. "like, it's the same thing you showed us last year, except faster."

"It's incredibly fast," Jared said. "how big is the library it searched?"

"It's basically the whole Spotify library, and--"

"Wait, hold the fuck up. You searched the whole Spotify library that quickly?" Gilfoyle asked. "I thought you had like five files in there for demo purposes."

"They gave me an API on the condition they're first in line if I develop a product they're interested in buying," Richard smiled big. "and uh, with my Pied Piper compression algorithm, which uh like I mentioned is one of the new additions since the last time I showed you this, searching media can be done super quick."

"The file we just heard was compressed?" Jared asked. "It sounded amazing."

"Wait, how big is the file?" Gilfoyle asked.

"Umm---" Richard fiddled with the laptop, brought the specs up. 

"What the fuck," Dinesh said. "300kb? How big was it originally?"

"Nine megabytes," Richard said smugly.

"So it's fast," Erlich said. "it still sucks. Nobody cares about music."

"Hold on, Erlich," Jared said, raising a hand. "while it's true music-based appliances have difficulty getting funded, compression is an incredibly exciting field."

"It is?" Dinesh said.

"Oh, yes," Jared said. "If you could make this compression rate business facing, you could get funded tomorrow, Richard. I'm sure Gavin would love to see it. I could set up a meeting."

"Oh- okay," Richard said, a little blindsided. "um uh. Well uh, if uh, if this gets funded, I'll need um, people, and I hoped- well, I know you guys are the best in-"

"If you try to make an inspirational speech I'm leaving the room," Gilfoyle said. Richard's mouth snapped shut. "but. If this idea has as much potential as Hooli guy here thinks... count me in."

"Yeah," Dinesh said. "me too."

* * *

Richard was giddy during the drive back to the apartment. 

"Like uh, thank you," he said. "really."

"I didn't do anything," Jared said.

"Yeah you did. Yeah you... you were like, amazing back there."

Jared smiled, and Richard thought it looked different from his professional smile. Weirdly, his genuine smile made him look pretty sad, as the corners of his mouth naturally turned down and his eyebrows turned up. It was odd but it was also unguarded and real and Richard liked it. "It's the least I could do."


	6. Chapter 6

There was a stack of takeaway boxes on Richard's coffee table, empty cans of energy drinks and beers, and Jared Dunn was sitting faced towards him on the sofa with his long legs tucked under him, one arm resting on the back of the sofa and propping up his head. He looked - not exactly rumpled, but a lot less like a sentient Brooks Brothers catalogue. His hair was even starting to come out of place. It was getting late.

"Okay. You're from Boston, you studied economics at Vassar, you sung in a student choir called uhhh--- the Joyce Carol Notes A Capella Confrontation, alto-"

"Second alto."

"Fuck! Second alto. Second alto. You interned for Nancy Pelosi, your personal heroes include Winona LaDuke, Byung-Chul Han and Jane Fonda--"

Jared covered his heart.

"--you like musicals and hiking and you're super into birds, like really nerdy about it--"

"I mean," Jared said. "I'm not one of those guys who just counts species. I think every individual is lovely."

"--your best friend is a woman called Gloria and you go walking together at least once a week, you're into handicraft, uhhh, you're celiac and lactose intolerant and vegetarian... um..."

Jared clapped his hands. "Well done Richard! I think this is going really well. There's just, there's just one thing concerning me a little."

"Just one?"

"Shouldn't we have an electronic communication trail? Texts, emails?"

Richard scratched his head, then smiled. "Get your phone."

Jared did as asked, and Richard got his too. He set the time to manual and changed the date, then did the same to Jared's phone and handed it back to him. Then he started typing. A notification sounded from Jared's phone.

"Oh!" Jared said, delighted. "'Miss you already', dated May 5th, 2015. You're brilliant." He tapped to reply.

_Miss you more. Can't wait to see you again_

_If you come to my place I'll show you heaven baby_

_Not a euphemism_

_I have an observatory_

Jared snorted and sent along some laughing emoji. 

"We should put in a bunch of boring ones too," Richard said. "like 'where are you' or 'call me'. I'll write a macro, save us from typing them all in."

"I'll put hearts around your name," Jared said, opening his contacts and editing Richard's info. 

"Yeah okay. Should I do that? It's not... something I'd really do. I don't use emojis."

"Oh, maybe I can have a nickname?" Jared asked.

"Um, sure, why not," Richard said. "any requests?"

"I don't know," Jared said. 

"Okay, I'll think of something cute and run it by you. Something really sappy, haha."

Jared smiled at Richard. He'd always wanted a nickname. Paul had called him 'Slenderman' some times, and Jared had assumed it was a quirky endearment until there had been a conversation at work where people shared what nicknames their partners called them and he'd volunteered that piece of information. Everybody had laughed uproariously and he'd just joined in as if that was the reaction he'd been expecting, then he went on to google it. It turned out it was something from a horror movie or something, he hadn't really been able to figure it out, but it was the name of a tall skinny man in a suit that creeped people out. Jared had to concede it wasn't inaccurate, but he'd still locked himself in a bathroom and put a real dent in the tears budget for that week. 

"What about tattoos, birth marks, scars, that kind of thing?" Jared asked, trying to think of ground they hadn't already covered. "Do you have any?"

"Umm. No tattoos. Uh. I don't think. I don't know if uh. I don't know man. I don't go out of my way to look at myself naked." Richard grimaced. "Um, wait." He got up and disappeared into the bedroom, and Jared waited for a few minutes. 

"Richard?" he eventually called out. "What are you doing?"

"Uhhh, come in," Richard called out from behind the door.

Jared got up, gently opened the door to the bedroom, and saw Richard standing there, pale and thin and completely naked. "I'm sorry," Jared said, averting his eyes.

"No, no, uh, come in, I thought maybe it would be better if you just, saw for yourself."

"Gosh," Jared said involuntarily, not quite sure what to do with himself.

"Or is it-- way too weird," Richard asked.

Jared smiled gently. "I think we're far beyond that, Richard." He walked inside, sat on the edge of Richard's bed, and looked at him. His ribs were starkly visible and he was clearly underweight, but he still had a defiant sort of solidity to him, he was wiry more than skinny. He had only a little reddish hair on his chest, but it grew denser as Jared's eyes drifted downwards to untrimmed pubes and legs covered in dark hair. Jared looked up at him and smiled, because he wasn't sure what else to do.

"I don't think I have any moles and stuff, but I don't know," Richard said, turning. His ass was surprisingly shapely. Not that immigration would ask about that.

"You have freckles on your back," Jared said gently. "and acne scars."

"I had the worst fucking bacne as a teenager," Richard sighed. "wearing a backpack was torture. Still ugly."

"I don't think you're ugly at all, Richard," Jared said.

"Sure," Richard said, talking to the wall. "visible acne scars are sexy as fuck."

Jared drew a deep breath. "Richard, please may I touch you?" Even from behind, he could tell Richard was cringing. 

"Why?"

"Because I'd like to know what you feel like."

Richard looked over his shoulder at him. "Uh. Well, okay."

Jared got up and ran his fingers gently over Richard's back, stopped before they hit the curve of his ass. He was rough and smooth and bony and fleshy all at once. "Gosh," he said.

"Mmhffg," Richard said, and Jared couldn't tell if it was a good noise or not, and then he flitted away, went to sit on his bed, legs drawn up in front of him, suddenly shy. "Um, Jared. You too?"

Jared swallowed hard, then he quickly undressed. He smiled bashfully. He knew his pale, skeletal frame wasn't exactly attractive. He wasn't vain, really, he knew true beauty came from your heart and mind, but in that moment he wished he was beautiful, irresistible, that Richard would look at him the way he tried not to look at Richard, that they'd just wordlessly fall together. The moment he'd first laid eyes on Richard he'd fallen a little bit in love. But nobody ever looked at guys like him and thought "Oh, there you are".

"Jesus Christ, you're tall," Richard said. Jared shrugged. "so is it like okay if I touch you too?"

Well, that was a surprise. Jared nodded. Richard kneewalked over to the edge of the bed and touched Jared's hips. "You dip in here."

"I have a dent here," Jared said, touching his chest. Richard ran a finger down it and Jared suppressed a shudder.

"Yeah, you do! That's neat."

"I have a tattoo," Jared whispered. Richard's eyebrows nearly hit his hairline.

"Show me." Jared cupped himself, feeling a little ashamed and very aware he was getting excited by this absurd situation, and put one leg on the edge of the bed, exposing his inner thigh. Richard looked almost gleeful. "It's a bird!"

"A little starling," Jared said. "I got it in college."

Richard grinned, delighted. "It's so cute. Our official story is I'm like obsessed with it." Jared laughed. "I've got my mouth on that thing all the time, baby. Some times I call you starling in public and you get embarrassed."

"I wouldn't get embarrassed," Jared said. "I'd like it."

"Oh? Okay." Richard looked mischivious. "There's your nickname, right there."

Jared blushed then, felt aware of the red heat of it spreading down to his chest. He suddenly felt reckless. "How big are you fully erect?" Jared asked.

"Christ, Jared."

"I'd like to see. Perhaps you could take a picture for me? I could do the same for you." Richard looked up at him with something new and unknown in his eyes. "Or well. Since. We're both... maybe we could just show each other."

There was a pause. "Okay. That's uh. Better. From an infosec point of view too."

"Security is important," Jared agreed.

Richard scooted backwards on the bed until his back hit the wall, then he made a loose fist around his cock and started stroking himself, eyes closed. Jared desperately wanted to ask what he was thinking about. Then Richard opened his eyes. "You too, Jared. Come on." He jerked his head towards the empty space next to him in the bed so Jared gingerly sat down, still cupping himself, almost at full from the sight of Richard jerking off anyway but he gently, gently (the last thing he needed right now was to come all over himself) started stroking himself, allowed himself to breathe deeply through his mouth.

"You're big," Richard said in a stuttery, high voice, looking. "that makes sense."

"Proportional," Jared said and Richard huffed a laugh. "I prefer bottoming."

"Huh?"

"I prefer being the submissive partner during anal sex," Jared explained.

"Uhh okay. Okay. So uhh I'm the one, I fuck you."

"Yes."

"Uhhhh. Guess uh. You'd have to be on your back. Like on the edge of the."

"That's one way. Sounds nice. I could be on my stomach. I could ride you."

Jared watched Richard's hand speed up, become erratic. His head fell back. Gosh, he wished he knew what Richard was thinking about. He started talking without even thinking. "I love it, Richard. I love it when you fuck me."

"Umm uh uhh"

"Your dick is the perfect size for me. It's so pretty. I let you put it anywhere you want."

"Fuck," Richard gasped, and then he came all over his stomach. "fuck!!" He scrambled up and wiped himself off with his t-shirt, then pulled his underwear on.

"Oh Richard, please don't be embarrassed," Jared said.

"I'm not. I'm not. I just think, we probably have like, enough. Data. I'm. Um." He balled up his clothing and ran off for the bathroom and Jared sighed deeply. What had he been thinking? He was here to learn enough about this man to pass the interview on Tuesday and secure his residency, not to get off. And now it was going to get weird and awkward between them again, just when they were finally becoming comfortable with each other. 

"Donald, you fool," Jared muttered, pulled on his underwear and walked out into the living room and put on his pajamas. When Richard emerged in his bathrobe, freshly showered, Jared had cleared away the debris of their dinner and drinks and was making up the sofa to sleep on.

"It's pretty late," Jared said, smiled pleasantly. "I thought I'd go to bed."

"Yeah uhh good idea me too. Yeah, I'm tired, woo. Good night."

Richard disappeared into his bedroom and Jared got comfortable under the blankets, but he didn't feel all that sleepy, even though it had passed midnight. He got back up and picked one of Richard's Vonnegut novels out of the shelf, started reading. He got pretty into it and when a text message notification came an hour or so later he was so engrossed he almost jumped. That was it, that was it, he was blocking Paul's number. Maybe give him a piece of his mind first.

_I meant it when I said I thought you were amazing_ the message read, sent from Richard, May 6th 2015. Jared stared at it, and then another one came in.

_We're good, right?_

Jared swallowed hard, then typed.

_Yes :)_

_Good. Goodnight, starling._

Jared smiled to himself.

_Goodnight, Richard._


	7. Chapter 7

Richard had set an alarm for Sunday morning and jumped in his bed when it went off. How the fuck did people with regular jobs do this shit. Why was there even a 7 30 in the _morning?_ Idiotic. He got up and found the sort of clothes he figured he'd wear if he was on a vacation in Europe. A T-shirt. Cargo shorts. A baseball cap, in case it got sunny. Yeah, that was believable. He went out in the living room, quietly, figured he'd let Jared sleep for a little while longer, but he was already up, reading one of Richard's books and drinking tea. 

"Good morning, Richard," Jared said, looking up from the book. 

"Hey. You're uh, you're reading Slapstick? That's a weird one," Richard commented.

"It's fascinating," Jared said, and tilted his head a little, quizzically. "can I ask you why you're wearing that outfit?"

Richard fanned his arms out. "I'm a tourist!"

Jared burst out laughing. "Oh my gosh."

"We're taking pictures today."

"What?"

"Photos. Like uh evidence. Electronic trail, remember. We're going to Paris."

"What are you talking about? Our interviews are the day after tomorrow," Jared frowned. "we don't have time to go anywhere."

"Yeah we do," Richard said smugly. "I did research."

So Richard snapped Jared browsing in the Alliance Francaise library, Jared leaned back and took a picture of Richard smiling with a pain au chocolat at a sidewalk cafe, Richard photographed Jared posing with a Rodin statue in the Legion of Honor museum and then they went to the Golden Gate Park.

"Where's this supposed to be?" Jared asked.

"Um, there's the lake, maybe that could be the Seine?"

Jared frowned. "The Seine is an urban river. It doesn't look like a lake in the park."

"Well uh, some park in Paris, I don't know. I'll look it up. I'll Photoshop the Eiffel Tower in later. Here, let's sit down and uh do like a selfie."

"Jared!" a woman's voice called out and he turned his head to see, then he smiled and waved. Three women in their sixties were walking along the trail and one with long hair in a loose plait left the group to walk up to them.

"Hello Edie! What are you doing here?"

"Just getting some fresh air." She looked over at Richard. "Who's this?"

"Oh, uh, this is Richard," Jared said.

"You the husband?" Edith asked, accusingly.

"Um yeah uh that's me," Richard said. "we um."

She scowled at him. "Well, you're a lucky man, and I hope you appreciate it."

"Uh I know uh yeah," Richard said, confused.

"Listen I'll call you," Jared said. "so nice seeing you!"

Edith smiled at him and they hugged quick, then she rejoined her friends and they walked on, glancing over their shoulders at them.

"Jesus, why do all women look like they want to murder me when I say I'm with you? Do they all want to fuck you or something, age no hindrance?" Richard said.

Jared cleared his throat. "I think it's more to do with some of the things I've shared about Paul over the last several months. My uh. My ex."

"Okay? My name is not Paul? Not to be that guy, but not all men?"

"Um, he was very secretive, didn't want me discussing our relationship too much, so none of them have met him or know his name."

"What?"

"It was actually a pretty good cover for when I updated my status to married on Facebook and in the personell files, because people knew I'd been with someone for a while, but they didn't know much about him!" Jared said with attempted cheerfulness.

"So your friends think I'm him?"

Jared bit his lip. "Sorry."

"It's okay. I'm uh, I'm glad you're not with that guy anymore. He kind of sounds like he sucks."

Jared smiled. "He kind of does. Here, let me do the selfie."

Richard sat down next to him and leaned his head against Jared's shoulder, crowding into frame. Jared took a photo and Richard craned in to look at it.

"Pretty good? Okay?" Richard said. 

"Want me to take your photo?" a girl walking a cocker spaniel asked. 

"Oh, would you?" Jared said and gave her his phone. Richard moved in closer.

"Put uh, put your arm around me," he directed under his breath. Jared did and Richard leaned his head against Jared's neck, and he did it without cringing. The girl snapped a few photos and handed the phone to Jared.

"Do they look okay?"

"Yeah, great, thank you so much!"

"You're welcome."

She walked on with her dog and Richard and Jared looked at them together. "Wow, these are good," Richard said. "we should make her follow us around town."

"Can I take one of you with your cap off?"

"What?" Richard laughed. "I'm an American abroad. The cap is good."

"Come on."

Richard smiled and took it off, ran a hand through his curls. "Okay."

*

They walked alongside each other down the street, quizzing each other. Jared named the members of Richard's family, Richard counted up Jared's favourite foods, Jared recounted why Richard dropped out of Stanford, Richard listed the places Jared volunteered. 

"Um, so I take a prescription drug," Richard said. "it's called-"

"I know this one, I know," Jared said. "cip - cipolex."

"Cipralex."

"Cipalex, cipalex."

"Cipralex, Jared."

"Cipralex. Sorry. Oh, there's a really nice champagne bar I know right down the street, that could be another Paris thing?"

"Yeah, great," Richard said. "let's go."

They found it and ordered and posed for more pictures, got the bartender to take one of them together, and polished off the expensive drinks. 

"This is so nice," Jared said.

"I honestly prefer Rock Star," Richard said and Jared laughed. "like, Rock Star literally tastes better and I don't know why people pretend otherwise. And it doesn't cost like twenty bucks for a glass either."

"You're a philistine," Jared teased and then his face suddenly fell. "um, Richard, do you think we could leave?"

"What? What's wrong?"

"My um. My ex just walked in. Paul." Jared whispered. 

"The dickhead?" Richard asked. "Which one is he?"

"Guy with the blue silk shirt." Richard glanced over. A stocky guy with a ton of product in his blond hair was looking at them. Man, he even looked like a douche. Richard had a hard time picturing him with Jared. 

"Let's just leave," Jared said. 

"Um--" Richard reached out and cradled one of Jared's hands in his. Jared tilted his head a little confused but didn't draw his hand back. "like, some times I'd see my ex around, and uh, I always wished I was with someone new and hot when that happened, but I never was uh, and I know I'm not hot or anything, but uh," Richard leaned over the table, supporting himself on his elbows, and kissed Jared softly. Then he did it again. Jared kissed back that time, both yielding and eager at once, and Richard found it weirdly exciting, suddenly wanted to see how far he could go, wanted to see if Jared would take his tongue, let him bite his lip-- he suddenly saw the appeal someone like Jared could hold for the callous assholes of the world. Richard pulled away and sat back down, still holding Jared's hand. Jared's expression gave way from something that looked a little bit like awe to a big, unguarded smile.

"Goodness, Richard!"

"Think he saw us?" Richard asked, smiling.

"Who?"

"The uh. The douche."

"Oh!" Jared looked around. "Oh, he's leaving!"

Richard pulled his hand away to pump his fists. "Victory!"

Jared laughed. Then he blushed a little. "Thank you, Richard. That was very sweet of you."

"My uh, my pleasure. Um. Hope like, I didn't make you uncomfortable."

"No, not at all."

*

It was late when they made it back to Richard's apartment and dark outside. 

"Gosh," Jared said, throwing himself down on Richard's sofa. "this has been a productive day!"

"We're not done," Richard said, finally discarding the baseball cap. "there's still something you haven't seen which I want you to. Take a cushion off the sofa - no, one of the big ones - and bring it with you."

Richard grabbed a cushion and Jared did the same, then Richard walked towards the balcony and Jared followed.

"Goodness," Jared said as they walked up the narrow, winding staircase up to the observatory. "how unusual."

"It's cool, isn't it?" He opened the door and took the stool, the only real piece of furniture in the observatory, and passed it to Jared. "Here, put that on the steps or something. Give me your cushion."

Richard threw both the sofa cushions on the floor, almost covering it, and stepped inside. He extended a hand and Jared looked at it for a beat before taking it. "Come on in."

Jared had to duck his head to enter, and was a couple of inches too tall to stand comfortably inside, so he sat down on the cushions, drew his knees up in front of him. "This is extraordinary, Richard. It's magical."

"You haven't seen anything yet," Richard said, and pressed a button. The walls retracted and left them in a transparent glass dome. San Francisco and its lights were below and the sky full of stars was above. Jared's lips parted on a gasp and Richard looked smug. "have uh, have you ever used a telescope?"

Jared shook his head.

"Let me just uh," Richard said, putting his eye to it and adjusting it for a few moments. "okay."

He stepped aside and looked eager, so Jared knee-walked up to it and put his eye to it. He felt Richard's hand fan out between his shoulder blades. "That's Mars," Richard said.

"Oh. It's red, just like-- oh Richard. It's beautiful." 

"Are you comfortable? Can you see okay?"

"Yes."

"Here," Richard said, covering Jared's hand and guiding it to the steering mechanism. "if you push that, you can move it somewhere else. Do it slowly." He guided Jared's hand in a smooth motion to the right. 

"Goodness," Jared whispered. "it's so... vast."

"I've spent hours up here," Richard said. "I love it."

"Well, I can see why."

"When I first moved in I'd just come up here and play Space Oddity on repeat," Richard laughed. "pretending to be an astronaut, or a terraformer." Jared looked away from the stars to look at Richard. 

"Oh, the, uh, the game?"

Richard looked confused. "No? Uh? You're thinking of Space Invaders, haha. No, Space Oddity, the Bowie song, you know," he sang in a thin voice, "ground control to Major Tom..."

Jared shook his head and shrugged. "I don't know a lot about pop music."

Richard's mouth fell open. "How. How have you never heard Space Oddity. Come on man." He pulled his phone out of his pocket. "We're listening to it right now." He sat down with his back towards the glass wall and Jared sat next to him, shoulder to shoulder, it was a cramped space, after all. Richard searched for the song on youtube and placed the phone in his lap. 

"Are you sure this video has audio?" Jared asked.

"Shh, wait, it takes a while to start." Finally a simple, acoustic guitar riff started and repeated through the phone's tinny speakers.

_Ground control to Major Tom,_ a nasal, English voice sang and Jared burst out laughing. 

"Shhh!" Richard said, chidingly. "Listen." 

"Sorry." Jared tried listening, the words were very silly and he found the whole thing kind of funny, but then he looked over at Richard. Richard's eyes were closed, he was smiling, and he was mouthing the lyrics. Jared realised he'd been invited in on something that was very, very special to him and suddenly felt a rush of gratitude. 

_Check ignition and may God's love be with you,_ Richard mouthed along and the song built to a an almost orchestral crescendo Jared hadn't really seen coming and he looked around, at the odd glass dome, at the black sky outside, and at Richard, happy and blissful, and he suddenly found the song achingly beautiful. Then Richard opened his eyes and looked up at him and he just nodded, to let him know that yes, he got it. Richard smiled wide.

_Tell my wife I love her very much, she knows,_ David Bowie sang and Jared reached out to trace Richard's elegant jaw with his thumb. Richard looked up at him and Jared threw caution to the wind and leant down, and his blood sang in his ears when Richard raised his face to meet him in a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very important note to say I really loved the Silicon Valley s6 opener (give us a Gilfoyle chatbot HBO marketing!) and openly pining Jared but I'm still kind of scared of where it's going. I just want him to be happy lmao


	8. Chapter 8

Winnie, Richard's ex-girlfriend and ex-coworker at Facebook, had jokingly referred to the observatory as his "man cave". Richard had tried to pretend to find funny but it ate away at him (like her insistence on using spaces over tabs, which he could - probably - live with if she didn't try to argue it being superior, which, did she even listen to herself??). Anyway, like he'd finally informed her and a giggling friend of hers the last time she'd called it that, an observatory was not a "man cave", it was a non-gendered space which represented science and knowledge and the scope of human ambition, not a fucking sports and beer grotto for a, a... a caveman. That was a week or so before they'd stopped seeing each other. As for Liz, that hadn't lasted long enough for him to even show her. This, on the other hand- this was _exactly_ how it was supposed to go, and Richard couldn't believe it was happening in real life. Jared had allowed Richard to show him the observatory, how special it was, has allowed Richard to touch him and set a pace. He felt.. weirdly powerful, even though he was craning his neck up at an angle to kiss and the hands Jared was resting at his waist felt uh, enormous. Richard swung his leg over Jared's lap and straddled him so he could come closer, be in a slightly more comfortable position, and the big hands found their way up his T-shirt to caress his back. Richard moved his hips and pressed his groin agains Jared's. 

"Uh, oh, Richard, let's, let's go to your bedroom," Jared panted.

Richard smiled a little, but felt a burgeoning panic attack. It was all very well being Rico Suave up in his observatory, basically the place he felt the safest and most in control on the planet, but this was careening to somewhere out of his depth. Jared had said he uh, he liked, being the submissive partner? What if he wanted Richard to like, take control in the bedroom? Jesus, he couldn't do that. While he was very aware he wasn't completely straight it's not as if he'd had the chance to actually act on it before, or even thought that would ever really be on the menu. Also, the last time he'd been with someone, she'd straight up said it was the worst sex of her life. To his FACE. Apparently he was all teeth and elbows. He couldn't have that hanging between them. Too much was at stake.

"I uh. I don't think I'm ready for that yet," Richard said, honestly. "I'm really sorry."

He'd thought Jared would have been angry, but he just smiled warmly. "Well. I respect that. I can wait. Is it alright if we kiss some more though?"

"Oh, fuck yeah."

* * *

Richard woke up from an alarm going off in the room next door and looked around, confused. It was 6AM. Middle of the fucking night. He ignored it and pushed his face into his pillow, ready to drift back off, before he remembered. Jared. He got up and walked out into the living room, where Jared was getting dressed.

"Uh hey, why are you up already?"

"I'm going to work."

"What? Why? Can't you take the day off? Our interviews are tomorrow. Like we need more time together?"

"I sent a request to my boss which was very firmly rejected," Jared said a little ruefully. "me leaving early on Friday didn't go down very well either. I'm going to have to pull overtime to make up for it."

"Fucking coorporate bullshit," Richard said. "don't you have any vacation days you could use?"

"Hooli policy states an at least three week notification for using vacation time."

"This is important though," Richard said. "for both of us."

"It's a job with a lot of privileges. I'm afraid of losing it. And well, I do feel fairly qualified in the subject of Richard Hendricks," Jared smiled. "I'll come back as soon as I can."

"Okay," Richard said. It sounded whiny to his ears and probably Jared's too, because Jared's smile turned amused and fond.

"Are you going to miss me?"

"Come on," Richard said, embarrassed, smiled and looked away. Then he looked up, crossed his arms. "Okay maybe yeah. Maybe I will."

Jared finished buttoning his shirt, then he walked over, leant down and kissed Richard. Richard grabbed his forearms and kissed back, and Jared's shirtsleeves felt so nice and clean and starched he felt bad for even touching him and sullying him with his slobbiness.

"I asked Andy, that's Gavin's PA, to put a placeholder meeting in his calendar next week." Jared said, resting his forehead against Richard's.

"Cool. What does that mean?" Richard asked.

"It means I'm going to pitch a meeting about Pied Piper to Gavin today. And if he says yes, he has an available time bloc next Wednesday."

"Okay, what are you still doing here, get to work, go," Richard said.

"What are you going to do today?" Jared asked, smiling.

Richard shrugged. "Well I'm up, might as well get some work done on the electronic trail... Don't get too weirded out if your phone blows up, probably just me. Umm then I guess I'll go to the hacker hostel, get the guys to help me with the presentation, with the uh, with the app and uh."

"Remember, business facing, and focus on the compression aspect over the media search. I'll help you with the paperwork. Business plan, budgets."

Richard stared up at him, then took his face in both hands. "Jared. Seriously. Thank you so much."

"You're welcome," Jared grinned. "I think it has real potential, Richard. You've created something special."

*  
It turned out Gavin Belson was in a pretty bad mood, and Jared figured it might be best to stay out of his way for the time being. He efficiently identified the most pressing issues and worked quickly through them, delegating as much as he could to get himself up to scratch. He forfeited lunch so he could keep working, but set aside five minutes with a cup of tea and an energy bar. He went into his iCloud and looked at the pictures he and Richard had taken together and smiled at the one of the two of them in the park. He made it his desktop wallpaper. His face felt hot. He generally didn't like pictures of himself much but he liked this one. In the photo he was smiling spontaneously and with parted lips, one arm draped over Richard's shoulders, and Richard, in his backwards cap, a stray curl escaping through its gap, flashed his big front teeth in a gentle smile and leant into Jared's body. Gosh, they looked happy together. It wasn't quite real, but maybe it could be? Last night, listening to David Bowie in his observatory, almost seemed like a dream in hindsight. That wasn't really the kind of thing that ever happened to Jared. And he'd kissed him back. He liked Richard and he thought, he really thought, that Richard might actually like him back. He opened youtube, searched for Space Oddity and put on his headset. His heart beat a little faster as the strains of the song started playing. It almost felt a little dangerous, a little reckless. But on the other hand, Jared thought, he didn't think he'd have any problems convincing immigration he was in love with Richard Hendricks.

*

Close to ten in the evening, Jared finally walked into the apartment building. "Hello Jackson," he greeted the doorman cheerfully. 

"Evening Mr Dunn."

Jared walked up to the elevator and called it, humming a little. He couldn't wait to see Richard. Since he had to come in late the day after he'd had to stay for a little longer on top of the overtime he'd been expected to pull so there wasn't much left of the day, but they could still get takeaway, cram some more, maybe fool around a little. He smiled to himself, fingered his collar. Mrs Bernstein walked up next to him and went into the elevator with with him.

"Which floor?" Jared asked brightly.

She reached over and pressed the button herself. "I overheard that. You're mister Dunn? Richard Hendricks' spouse?"

"I am!" Jared said. " Pleased to meet you!"

She gave him a sour look. "When Mr Hendricks was approved to buy your apartment, it was under the impression that you were a nice, quiet and family oriented couple. If I had known you were... hedonists..."

"Hedonists?" Jared asked, confused.

"I know what the three of you are up to."

"What?" 

"You, and mister Hendricks, and that young idiot that's always holding soda."

"Nelson? What do you mean?"

"Don't play coy with me. I saw him and that so called husband of yours kissing. I guess it's all fine and good in your community, but if I'd known when mr Hendricks applied to buy..." Mrs Bernstein's tirade petered out when she saw the hurt and confusion on Jared's face. "oh. Oh, you didn't know. I'm so sorry." She stuck her jaw out and pointed a finger at him. "Trust me on this, mr Dunn, you're better off knowing and hurting now. I didn't know mr Bernstein had a piece on the side until she showed up at his funeral. His funeral! You want to know how long he kept up with that floozy? Seventeen years!! That's seventeen years I put up with his snoring and dirty socks and inane conversation because I thought marriage vows meant a damn. That's seventeen years I could have put to better use. So take it from an old woman - he's not worth it." She looked relieved when the elevator doors opened, and hurried away down the hall.

Jared locked himself in with Richard's spare key in a daze. The apartment was dark and empty. Richard was probably at the hacker hostel. With Big Head. Big Head had briefly showed Jared his room, it had a bunk bed, literally a bunk bed. He had a vision of the two of them in it, wrapped around each other in the narrow space, and he ached. He wondered why Richard hadn't just told him about them the first time he'd introduced them. Why couldn't he meet just one guy who treated him decently and honestly? Why was that too much to expect from the world? Because, Jared thought, men liked to lie. He laid down on Richards sofa, covered his eyes with his forearms and wished he was back at his own condo.

* * *

"Always blue! Always blue! Always blue!" Dinesh hit yellow and the guys cheered. 

It had been a long but really fun and really productive day. Richard felt good. He was a little tipsy and everything was going great. With the help of Dinesh and Gilfoyle Pied Piper was ready to be presented to Gavin Belson and any other investor that might take an interest, and with Jared on his side - Jared. Richard smiled. He was excited to see him again. He looked at his phone. He'd made a picture of Jared his lockscreen, just to like, play the part, but he liked the picture. It was the one with him in the Alliance Francaise library, looking pensively into a book. He'd caught him in profile and he just... he looked, well, he looked fucking handsome in it. Fucking cute. He was... he was a cute ass dude. What the fuck was he still doing at Erlich's house? Christ, Jared would be back home by now.

"Um guys, I'm gonna like, I'll leave," Richard said. "goin home."

"Do you want me to drive you?" Big Head said. "You're kind of drunk."

"Ohh uh. Would you? Thanks."

They took Erlich's van and Richard felt a little sobered up by the night air, but still really happy. It was a fun drive home, they talked about college and movies and what they were going to do when Pied Piper made them millionaires. When they got to Richard's building, Big Head followed him up to his floor, still chattering. 

"Let's play Tekken on the PS classic," Big Head said. 

"No, Big Head."

"Come on, don't be a pussy. You're afraid I'll beat you up."

"My interview with Immigration is tomorrow and it's already late as fuck," Richard said, fiddling with the key. "you need to go home, man. And I need to sleep." He opened the door.

*

Jared had been sleeping lightly and fitfully, and woke up when he heard Richard and Big Head come into the apartment.

"You know you wanna tho," Big Head said.

"Seriously, Big Head, like, not tonight," Richard said. 

"Come on. It'll be fun. Like, one round. Jared's probably asleep anyway, we'll be quiet."

Richard giggled. "You're never quiet. Last time you called me a little bitch and told me to take it, even when I was pounding you."

"He said no, all right?" Jared said, and got up from the sofa, swaddled in blankets. Big Head and Richard jumped. 

"Shit, man, didn't know you were awake," Big Head said.

"Well, I am, and I think you should leave."

Richard stared. "Uhh Jared? What the hell are you doing?"

"Yeah what's the deal, Jared?" Big Head frowned. 

"Did Richard tell you he masturbated in front of me? Or that we kissed last night?" Jared said. Richard just kind of squawked at that.

"Okay," Big Head said, eyes darting around uncomfortably until they found the door. "awkward. Yeah. I'm uh, I'm going to leave."

Big Head disappeared out the door and Richard turned around, gaping. "What the FUCK, JARED!!"

"I know about you and him," Jared said.

"Know fucking WHAT? He's my FRIEND, and you TOLD HIM THAT? Why would you-- are you like fucking actively trying to ruin my life??"

"I-- I--"

"Get the fuck out, okay? Get the fuck out!"

"Richard-"

"Go!" Richard grabbed at the blanket Jared had wrapped around him and pushed him out the door and slammed it shut, locked it. Jared knocked timidly. 

"Um, Richard, I'm sorry? Can I come in? I- I didn't mean to- Richard?"

Richard went in his bedroom and slammed the door shut. He pushed a pillow over his head and groaned into it. No apartment was fucking worth all this. He hated people. He didn't want to watch the moon, he wanted to fucking live on it. He was so angry he was shaking. And embarrassed. And ashamed. And mortified. And a bunch of other things, none of them very good. He turned on his side and balled up, thinking if he made himself small enough, he just might get lucky enough to blink out of existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the ending! God this thing is already so fucking long lmao. And a new episode is premiering soon :)


	9. Chapter 9

Nearly an hour later Richard hadn't fallen asleep, even though he tried to, but his rage had subsided to something he could actually manage. He got up, padded out in the hall on bare feet, and opened the front door. Jared was balled up in front of it, swaddled up in his blankets. 

"Uh hey," Richard said.

The ball jerked and moved and a big blue eye peeped up at him. 

"Come on, come inside."

Jared got up and quietly walked inside. "I'm so sorry Richard," he said miserably, his voice rough with sleep. "I'm not sure what came over me. Oh, I'm really not a jealous person. I've known you for less than a week, I had no right to try and interfere with your relationship with Nelson. I hope you'll be able to patch things up together and I'll personally apologise to him in the morning."

"Me and Big Head aren't, like, together, if that's what you thought."

There was a long silence. "Your neighbor told me she saw you two kiss."

Richard groaned. "He thought I wanted him to pretend to be my husband and kissed me in front of her on purpose. It was super, super weird."

"What--- what were you talking about when you came into the apartment tonight?"

Richard frowned, then blushed. "Playing a video game. A fighting sim."

"Oh," Jared said in a small voice. "here come the shame spirals."

"Don't worry," Richard sighed. "the reason me and Big Head have been friends for ten years is he's literally the most easy going guy alive and he couldn't hold a grudge if it came with a handle. We'll be fine."

"What about you and me?" Jared almost whispered.

"Jared." Richard said. "It's three in the fucking morning, and we both need to basically ace our interviews which take place six fucking hours from now. Let's just... let's just sleep. Okay?"

"Yes. Okay. But Richard. I'm sorry."

"I know, Jared, I know. I forgive you, okay? And uh, I'm sorry I locked you out, that was uh, really fucking shitty and I shouldn't have done it."

"It's okay," Jared said in a small voice. "I deserved it."

"Um, don't," Richard said and opened his arms, and Jared leant down and hugged him tight. 

"Can I sleep in your bed? You won't know I'm there."

"No, Jared. Just, like, go to sleep, and I'm going to as well, and we'll convince the shit out of Immigration, and then we'll like, we'll talk stuff out. I promise. Good night."

Richard felt Jared take a deep breath and then he let him go. "Okay, Richard. Good night."

***

Their interviews were at nine, and Jared woke him up at eight. He had dark circles around his eyes and said something about oversleeping. They hurriedly got dressed and drove off for the USCIS office. At the waiting room they got coffee out of the vending machine and ate energy bars from Jared's laptop bag. Richard was concentrating on remembering everything they'd been talking about, eyes closed, and Jared was sitting with his notepad, looking over his scribbles. First kiss in Paris, he'd written and drawn a heart. Tulsa. Worked for Facebook, freelance since 2014. Friends: Big Head (Nelson), Gilfoyle, Dinesh, Erlich, Jian-Yang. Sister: Sarah. Cipralex for anxiety. David Bowie. Star Trek. Kurt Vonnegut.

"Mr Hendricks," an official announced and Richard jumped up, and Jared shoved his notepad down his bag. 

"Um, see you soon, okay?" Richard told Jared. Jared nodded.

"And mr Dunn, if you'll come over here." Jared got up and walked into a separate office. 

Jared recognised mr Kendall and shook his hand before sitting down on a plastic chair opposite him at a table. He folded his hands tightly.

"Now mr Dunn, as you know, we have doubts that your marriage is bona fide. I am going to ask you a number of questions, and mr Hendricks will be asked the same questions. Your answers will help us make a determination. Is that understood?" mr Kendall asked.

"Yes," Jared said.

"Very well, mr Hendricks, I ask you to raise your right hand. Do you hereby swear that the evidence you're about to give is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" ms Pace asked.

"Uh huh. Yep. Sure. Yes." Richard smiled nervously, raising his hand.

"Can you please state your name for the record."

"Richard Hendricks."

"Donald Dunn. I go by Jared."

"Why don't you start by telling me a little bit about your partner."

"He uh, he grew up in the foster system and he's really been through a lot of shit," Richard said. "but he's still like, the kindest, strongest dude I've met in my life. Like he's good, you know? Like an actual good hearted person."

"Richard is brilliant," Jared said. "he's so smart, he's so driven and he's so enthusiastic. He just lights up when he talks about things he's interested in."

"Boston area," Richard said. "but he moved around a lot. Different uh, different foster families."

"He's from Tulsa. He has a sister."

"He has a crazy amount of dietary restrictions. Vegan, gluten free..."

"I'm lactose intolerant and celiac. And an ethical vegetarian. And I'm allergic to cinnamon."

"Umm, I don't know, I have a sensitive stomach, I throw up a lot."

"I think Richard has a lot of undiagnosed food allergies. I want him to try and cut out dairy but he's reluctant."

"Umm he has a tattoo on uh his inner thigh. It's, uh, a bird and it's... really hot."

"Richard likes my tattoo a lot. I used to feel a little insecure about it because I got it so long ago and it was kind of a rash decision but now I like it too."

"We met in Paris."

"Paris."

"My best friend is Big Head... uh, I mean, Nelson Bighetti."

"His best friend is Nelson. I really like him. But some times I get jealous of him, too. I never used to feel jealous so it's a little embarrassing. But he knows about things I don't, like video games and movies and science fiction and he has so much history with Richard. I know I can't be everything to Richard, rationally, but gosh, I still wish I could be."

"Jared's best friend? Um, Gloria, I guess. They go mushrooming and birding together all the time. She's like a hundred years old, it's kind of weird but it's cute."

"Richard's my best friend. But I'd place Gloria at a solid second!"

"I just-- I just truly don't understand how an intelligent person, and Jared is intelligent, could use Facebook in twenty fucking nineteen. Like hello, haha? Read the news?"

"Richard hates Facebook. Mentioning Mark Zuckerberg is a recipe for trouble."

"He's on like. A blood thinner. I don't know what it's called."

"I take a blood thinner called Coumadin."

"Ummm yes. For anxiety. It's called Cipralex."

"Cipolak. Uh wait, no. Ciporlax. Cipalo. Ci-- oh frig. I keep forgetting that one."

Mr Kendall looked up at Jared. "You keep forgetting it?" Jared stared back, blushed. "Can you elaborate on that, mister Dunn?"

"I uh, I uh," Jared said. "I just."

"Can you please explain what you meant by that?"

The silence was long and awkward. "This is all my fault," Jared said. "please, please, don't punish Richard for it."

*

"Very well, mr Hendricks," ms Pace said and got up. "we'll let you know." She smiled and Richard smiled back. He had that feeling he used to get when he'd nail a maths or physics exam. Richard Hendricks had fucking made USCIS his bitch. 

"So um, where's Jared?"

"I don't know if his interview has been terminated yet. You're just going to have to wait."

"Okay, I'll uh, I'll just, I'm going to wait outside."

He didn't feel like going back to that oppressive waiting room. It was grey and worn and full of depressed-looking people. So he went outside, found a bench near the entrance, and sat down, pulled his phone out. _Waiting outside,_ he texted. He looked around. _Your work can wait btw,_ he texted. _vegan milkshakes on me._

He pressed his lips together. _Maybe literally if you're lucky_, he wrote, considered it, then he backspaced. God, he sucked at this kind of thing. He looked around. Still no sign of Jared. 

_Things got really weird last night,_ he texted Big Head. _sorry about that._

_Yeah_, the reply came pretty immediately. Three dots signalled he was writing.

_So are you like gay?_

Richard sighed. _I guess_

_Okay. Why is Jared mad at me?_

_He thought we were fucking_

Big Head sent along eight vomiting emoji and Richard laughed. _I know_

_You like him?_

_Yeah. I really do_

_Cool. I'm happy for you man_

Richard smiled at his phone. Fucking Big Head. You genuinely couldn't ask for a better friend. He needed to finish hanging up the projector and get that games night underway, stat. He checked his messages, still nothing from Jared. It'd been almost twenty minutes since he'd sent the last one to him. Weird. 

"Richard, hey."

Richard looked up and Jared was there, finally, smiling at him.

"Fuck, I was starting to worry," Richard said, grinned big, got up and pulled him down into a hug. Jared's big hands gently grabbed at his waist and he nuzzled the side of Richard's neck. Richard pulled back, smiling, and kissed Jared, and Jared kissed him back, and his one hand came up in Richard's hair, another anchored at Richard's lower back, and Richard was so happy he felt like he was on fire. He felt - he felt like this was the start of something wonderful. Maybe it was even the start of the best time of his life. When he pulled away, gasping a little, Jared's lips were bruised and red and Richard smiled to see it. 

"Listen, I did a Hooli Maps search and found a vegan bakery right near here, let's go celebrate before you go to work, let's talk and uh."

"Oh, Richard, I'd love that. But I can't."

Richard rolled his eyes, stroked Jared's arm. "Gavin fucking Belson can spare you for one hour. Thirty minutes? My treat, come on."

"That's- that's not why."

"Wuh. Why?" Richard asked.

"Because he's coming with us, mister Hendricks."

Mr Kendall walked up beside them - had he been there the whole time? - alongside an armed security guard.

"What's going on?"

"I'm so sorry, Richard," Jared said. "I tried too hard. I panicked."

"No." Richard shook his head.

"But I cut a deal," Jared said, smiling gently. "I leave right now, no fuss, and charges won't be pressed against you. You get to keep your beautiful observatory."

"No, I-- I don't give a fuck about the observatory, Jared, I care about you."

"It's okay," Jared whispered.

"No it's fucking not!"

"Let's go, mister Dunn," mr Kendall said.

"No," Richard said again and hugged Jared again.

"Richard, please, let go," Jared said.

"No."

"Mr Hendricks, please," mr Kendall said.

"This is so fucked up," Richard said. "it's fucking crazy! What's he going to do in Germany? His job is here, his life is here, I'm fucking here!"

"Let's go," the guard said. "stand aside, mr Hendricks."

"Fascists," Richard said, agitated. "fucking fascists."

"Richard, please don't," Jared said gently and reached out to stroke his face, as if he was the one who needed to be comforted. He gave him a final, sweet smile and a wave, and walked into the waiting, black government car. Richard watched it drive away, became cognizant of tears running down his face and slapped a hand to his cheek, wiping them off. His phone vibrated, and he pulled it out to look at it. It was a message from Big Head. _Watchmen starts tonight, wanna come over and watch? Bring Jared :)_

He swiped the message away, and looked at the picture of Jared on his screen. At his eyelashes, his long fingers, his elegant profile. Richard took a very deep breath, cleared his throat, and he ordered a Lyft.


	10. Chapter 10

**Epilogue. June**

"We should get the verdict on the appeal by next week," Monahan said, his grey, sad face filling the skype window.

"So soon?" Jared said. "How exciting!"

"It's a clear cut case to me, and the judge is very sympathetic. I think there's a general feeling these rules are enforced without much humane consideration, and it's also an opportunity for the state of California to stand up to Trump government legislation, which is definitely a good thing for us. Furthermore, you're a very likeable victim."

"Thank you!" Jared beamed.

"How's Berlin treating you?" Monahan asked.

"Oh, very well," Jared said. "it's quite exciting, having seasons. Winter was really cold but now summer's here it feels, oh almost like a reward! And I'm still happy in my position at Hooli Berlin, it really was very decent of Gavin to transfer me there."

"Who are you talking to?" Richard said, padding barefoot out of the bathroom. 

"Mr Monahan," Jared said, gesturing towards the laptop.

"Hello Richard," Monahan greeted. Richard waved at the computer. "I trust things are going well with Pied Piper? It's getting a lot of press."

"Yeah, it's going alright."

"He's being modest," Jared said. "in fact, we're talking about me giving up my job at Hooli to work fulltime for Pied Piper. Oh and did you see his interview in MIT Tech Review?"

"I'm afraid I missed that one."

"Oh, it's a scintillating read!"

"I'll be sure to check it out. Well Jared, I'll speak to you soon. Bye for now."

"Goodbye!" Jared said, then shut the laptop and looked at Richard. "Well, good morning handsome!"

Richard leant down and hugged him from behind. "Morning. Can you turn your chair around?"

Jared tilted his head a little quizzically but did as told and Richard reached out to support himself on the kitchen table and kissed Jared, a long and hot and sultry kiss, which left Jared gasping when Richard pulled away to kneel down between his legs.

Richard started licking his palm. "Let me, honey," Jared breathed and grabbed his hand, swiping his tongue over the rough surface of it while Richard used his free hand to take Jared's half hard dick out if his pajama bottoms. It'd taken Richard a while to develop a methodology for giving head which didn't set off his hairtrigger gag reflex but he was pleased with the current iteration. He used a slick hand to jerk Jared off while he brought his lips and tongue down the side of the shaft, up and down.

"So good, baby," Jared whispered. He pushed his back against the chair, breathing heavy, as Richard started mouthing at the head of his dick, still stroking rhythmically with his hand. Then Richard looked up at him.

"Come down on the floor, come on."

"Richard, just--"

"No, come on."

"Let's at least go to bed."

"Too far."

"Oh lordy," Jared said, sliding down on the kitchen floor and raising his hips to let Richard pull his pants down to his knees. Richard ripped the cushion off the kitchen chair and put it under the small of Jared's back.

"Up, up."

"Mmm," Jared said, angling his back. 

"That's right. Show me that pretty hole."

Richard pressed a firm kiss to it and Jared gasped a laugh. He thought about how timid Richard had been their first times together, in that hotel in Friedrichschain with the ridiculously high ceilings, how unsure and apologetic. Not that Jared had been very suave either. When Richard had come up to him in the airport, with his hastily-packed backpack, announcing he was coming with him, he'd full on started crying and it didn't take much to undo him in the weeks after. Their first few times mostly consisted of Richard constantly begging reassurance and Jared sobbingly professing his love. They'd come a long way. Richard was still stroking him with one hand, and he spat in his other and reached down to circle Jared's hole with a warm, wet finger.

"That good, baby?"

"Richard, oh, heavens, uh,"

"More? You want more?"

"Yes. Oh, Richard."

Richard smiled, a warm and authentic smile that bared his big front teeth and made his large blue eyes sparkle. He slowly pushed a finger into Jared. "So good for me. So fucking pretty. My little starling."

"Oh," Jared sighed helplessly and Richard leant back down to take the head of his dick into his mouth, shallowly bobbing his head to meet his hand, flexing the finger inside Jared the way he'd learned he liked it.

"I'm, I'm, oh, Richard, I,"

"Come on baby. Come on Jared. Fuck. I love you."

Jared came with a gasp all over Richard's hand. Richard gently extracted himself from Jared, got up and washed his hands in the sink, watched Jared catch his breath and pull his clothes back on and then laid back down on the floor and slung an arm sideways across Jared before he could get up, lightly pinning him down.

"Alles gute zum geburtstag, Jared. Happy birthday."

Jared grinned. Richard's German was coming along a lot quicker than his. He actually enjoyed the grammar. And he enjoyed showing off. But Jared loved listening to him speak German so it didn't really matter. "Danke. If I knew birthdays were this nice, I would have started having them earlier."

"We're only getting started, I haven't even given you your real present yet. And we're meeting Claudia, Zeshan and Andreas for lunch later."

Jared closed his eyes. Last June 10th he hadn't even known it had been his birthday, but if he had known it probably would have passed as quietly and uneventfully as any other day. It felt overwhelming, unreal, to have Richard, to have these friends, to have this life, to be loved and wanted. Exile hadn't turned out so bad. "Sounds wonderful. But Richard, my darling, light of my life, can we at least get up from the kitchen floor."

"Yeah in a second."

"I have good news," Jared said, letting his fingertips dance up Richards arm, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

"Mmm?"

"The result of my appeal should be due by next week, and mr Monahan says he likes my chances. I could get my citizenship back before summer is over."

"Cool," Richard said, nodding.

"Aren't you happy? We could be going home soon."

Richard looked at him, made a face and sat up.

"What?"

"Don't make me say it."

"What?" Jared grinned.

"I'm home when I'm with you," Richard mumbled. "fuck everything else."

Jared laughed and pulled him back down on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg it's finally over! I wasn't going to post the epilogue just yet but fuck it, after that upsetting Jared scene in the last episode (wtaf) this tiny fandom has enough angst and deserves something happy.
> 
> Bonus material: [The film this whole fic is based on if you like a 90s romcom](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPlarxDHza4) and [Richard and Jared's song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYYRH4apXDo).
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


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